Tag: noob

Personas

Most of my life, I’ve always seen myself in other personas. I’ve always come up with a nickname to escape my personal identity. I never liked that person. I associated too much pain in that person. I always wanted to escape reality as much as I could. Whether it was through video games, rave names, dj names, aol instant messenger, Instagram handles, whatever have you, and in a sense I still do. It’s completely ingrained into me. Mostly out of a space of fear initially right, because for some or maybe even a fair portion of us, we just want to be someone else or something else.

Because, why should I have to own the name that wasn’t even mine to choose, why should I, like the name my parents chose for me, when they weren’t even present for my childhood or most of it, anyway? Even today right now, though already I’ve accepted my name, and it took a whole 3 decades to do so, I still don’t really use my given name. But that’s besides the point, maybe some of you agree?

Personas have been a powerful thing for me, it was a form of medium for vision. For character building. Before I became a DJ I already said in my mind I was, I even went as far as printing out business cards that said I was a DJ on it and passing them out even though I had no idea how to DJ. But it totally manifested into reality in my life.

I use this now in my current days I create a title for myself, I call myself a writer but what do I really know about writing? Perhaps slim to none, but as I call myself that, I begin to see it and I begin to believe it, and as I’m going through the process it starts to become solidified into the essence of my being. It starts to flower into my intuition and creative space. I start to manifest the creative people working in the same sphere. There’s probably books written about this method, and explained in great detail.

I’m not learned in the mechanics of how or why creating a persona works for me, but through actual experience this has been true for me. Maybe this could work for you as well? Who do you see yourself as?

Muse

The inner muse is hard to describe, it’s a growing process much like planting a seed inside your heart and mind and watering it with consistent thoughts of creative growth. Probably the most important part of that process is actualizing it on a medium where you can get your creative process recorded.

Perhaps that is actually what I intend for this “blog” of mine. To enter a space where I can feel comfortable sharing my inner most thoughts and at the same time increasing the depth of which I can write to fully express deeper sentiments. To find my voice in this busy world I suppose.

I say I am a writer, and a budding one at that, but most days I am conflicted on my prose and literary concepts? I always feel like my writing isn’t up to par enough with the writers around me, and that in itself is just a self limiting belief. Truly just getting out of the comfort zone and putting words on a page every day would be enough to form and sculpt my writing skills I guess.

First Stumbling Block

Today I’m sitting at Dot’s Cafe. Absolutely clueless on what I’m doing with this blog by the way. I’m sure maybe a lot of people have felt the same way as me while starting to find and really build whatever it is that their passionate about. For me, its a lot of things. Currently though I guess there are more pressing matters at hand, like surfing the world of downtown Pasadena for a JOB (just over broke) to keep my bills paid (x__x). I was previously employed at Huy Fong Foods Inc, and for those who don’t know what that is, its the company that makes that popular hot sauce named Sriracha. You know that red bottle with the bright green cap.

Yeah, so funny thing, I was sitting at a Starbucks and I forgot what I was doing, probably doing social media related stuff, or reading a book or something and I got a call from this guy named John whom I had met at my job when I was working at Mcdonald’s. So, John offered me a job as a sales representative at this Hyundai Dealership! I was super excited and totally accepted on the spot, anyway right after I got off the phone with him, literally 10 seconds later I get a call from the Temp Agency in charge of my assignment and I was told that my assignment was over. SOOOOO here I am sitting at this coffee shop without a job and a new job offer. Bank account at like 200$ which was already accounted for because my car payment is 200$ every 2 weeks… so basically 0$. (luckily I had a last check which was 279$ so it put me up for a bit, but currently I’m back down to 67$ LOL)

So things didn’t work out with the Hyundai dealership, turns out I wasn’t fit for the team. Oh well, John was kind of flakey anyway… which I’m actually kind of glad I didn’t end up with him for a boss, even though he may have been an amazing friend. Doing my best to align my actions with my words, doesn’t exactly mean the world will align as well probably? Though I do believe that you attract more of who you are and what you think into your life, so its just as well that I didn’t get that job. I then just went with my instinct and drove to downtown Pasadena and went job hunting for the rest of the day and walked into a bunch of upscale restaurants. Sushi Roku actually asked me to come back for an interview right on the spot! The only restaurant that did ask for me to come back for an interview that day. AND!!! I would have never found this awesome spot named Dots Cafe.

I met Diana and Ron here, and didn’t even realize that Diana was one of the managers, anyway as I was starting this blog and making a post on instagram she came up to me and gave me her card and showed interest in hiring me to be a part of her team! I was amazed lol. I would love to work here actually if Sushi Roku’s vision doesn’t align with mine! Or maybe even I can work out a schedule where I work with Dots Cafe in the morning time a few days a week plus this Sushi Roku place! That would be UH MAY ZING!~ I need to memorize better synonyms for that word. SO THUS ENDS THE FIRST BLOG POST. DID I DO OK?

So to close off I’ll leave a piece with ya’ll I wrote this because a friend of mine called me and was in tears, and she was so upset and sad because of the relationship that she was in was debilitating and destroying her spirit. I offered some advice because I asked her at the beginning of the conversation if she just wanted an ear, someone to really listen, or if she wanted advice. She said she wanted some advice and so we talked for a while and the conversation wasn’t really going anywhere anytime soon. So the conversation ended abruptly because she had to go. So my emotions were like flying all the over the place, I had to write a piece. I called this Hadie’s Grip.

Hadies Grip

imprisoned by the vicelock of hadies grip, talking about how sad she is lately pissed, she said he loves her but has a way of being a shady dick, abusive physically and emotionally in this toxic relationship, I told her to pack your things and hastily dip, she said yeah I know but it’s not that easy, I still gotta take care of these kids,

 I said what about your family can’t they provide a hive for your tribe instead of looking for a way to be lit? Why does Thoughts of suicide and gettin high be the vibe that allows you to forget? She said her family doesn’t want anything to do with her because she won’t leave the guy that she’s with, and he provides enough money for her to get by but it stresses her out so she gotta be high to resist, meanwhile she’s so mortified by the man that’s supposed to be a source of love he turned the womans thought process into a vile fearful skit, and when her ego speaks it makes the bile within me twitch, because once upon a while she was an amazing beautiful gift, a blip of a once beautiful soul held inside of a self induced crypt, 

imprisoned by the vicelock of hadies grip, talking about how sad she is lately pissed, she said he loves her but has a way of being a shady dick, abusive physically and emotionally in this toxic relationship, I told her to pack her things and hastily dip, she said yeah I know but it’s not that easy, I still gotta take care of these kids.

She said she was on the verge of suicide and that she cried evenings by herself with a bottle of wine drinking till she’s sick, she said it’s so hard to get a grip and She’s so lonely she need some kind of fix, I said why don’t do you surround yourself with some more positive shit? Read a book, take a hike, write down some feelings that you got inside and develop some penmanship ? She said “I know I know I know” and continued talking about how shitty her life was and she wish she could just quit, feeling the way she does because she just wanted to work out the kinks in this relationship, and then she hung up and texted me quick, she said he’s back and don’t call or text me back and thank you for taking me away from my trip, 

imprisoned by the vicelock of hadies grip, talking about how sad she is lately pissed, she said he loves her but has a way of being a shady dick, abusive physically and emotionally in this toxic relationship, I told her to pack her things and hastily dip, she said yeah I know but it’s not that easy, I still gotta take care of these kids.

There was so much more I wanted to say about the situation like ease up and take it slow, that there was a way to stitch up the soul , that’s broken and cradled by her ego, I wanted to mention all the different ways to build a positive lifestyle through association and growth, through artistry and characters like mr Edgar Allen Poe, that drowning in all them chemicals, is just temporarily filling up all them holes, that chemicals corrode and evaporate and leave you with a bigger hole, allowing only change in the state of your body and mind in intervals. Inhibiting true growth through spiritual pinnacles, like elevating through meditation abolishing perceptions of the cynical, to deviate from the fleeting caress of substances commonly mistaken as a mineral, as death inches closer like a giant tentacle…

Imprisoned by the vice lock of hadies grip, enamored by the song of a crazy script, she wants out but is too far into this hazy trip, she wants out but it’s too much effort to get a friend to baby sit… at least that’s what her ego be on this lately tip, 

It’s still a work in progress but kind of how I felt about the conversation. lol thanks for reading.