I’m grateful for this evening. I’ve had a revelatory experience with my history. My father called me, it’s really the only time I feel comfortable talking to him. I acquiesced to the fact that whenever he calls he will have mustered up the courage to face his loneliness, or the fact that he can put aside his traditional Chinese pride, and reach out to me when he has loaded up on God’s social lubricant. Loosening his tongue enough to really have a heart to heart with his wayward relationship with his son. Me. I let go of all reservations plans and whatever it was I was doing at the time and I listened. He repeated himself many times about the same thing, but I’ve matured enough to see it from an objective point of view. This man is reaching out to me because he misses me and wants to talk with me, that’s amazing. I accept it with gratitude, tonight in my act of tolerance and acceptance, I got more of the story I’ve been waiting for nearly 3 decades now. More gets uncovered, the bad the ugly the truth. His truth, my only account of my father’s that became just a little bit more detailed. And who knows, could it have been something that came about because the universe felt that I was doing my best to genuinely accept this man and the lessons that he was teaching me? Was it a lesson that the universe was teaching me? I sure believe it is.

I’m truly grateful for tonight because here is this man whom I had held so much resentment towards, and showed no love or even an inkling of care for many many years. And finally this moment today, he showed up and I too… was able to share some of his burden that he had been holding for so long. He asked how my mother was doing, I told him what was going on with him and how depressed she seemed to be isolated because of this whole covid thing and really hasn’t been doing much with her life, no friends, no motivation to do much but play her silly games addicted to the dopamine rushes she gets from mindlessly tapping away at her phone, reaching level 2700 on candy crush, that’s wild to me, and since I’ve been working in treatment and learning more and more about the different chemicals in our bodies that get activated from such games can identify what she may not be able to, she’s absolutely addicted. At any rate, that’s besides the point, it is a work in progress to solve this puzzle. My father proceeded to propose that he knew what was going on with my mother and that he knows what’s going on in her mind.

This piqued my curiosity because I had been trying a lot of different ways to get her out of the slump that she’s currently in, but I hadn’t realized the extent of her pain that’s got her so sunken in the state that she’s in. Well, Pandora’s box was about to be busted open, and I hadn’t even realized the ride that I would be going on. Initially I thought, man it would be nice if I could just go home and play some video games myself (lol). But that was a fleeting thought as I focused back my intention on remaining connected to this conversation with my father who calls once in a blue moon. I eventually steered the conversation back to the days when he and my mother first met, he responded with saying that he had already told that story to me, and I’m glad I insisted that he tell me the story all over again, because up until this point in my life I had only heard the story one time. This time he divulged a lot more about the struggles that they went through and the struggles that he went through and all the pain that my mother had caused him by being unfaithful and toying with his emotions over and over. All these years I had always thought my dad was a rolling stone, an unfaithful person, but I’m starting to see a different picture of this man 30 years later.

An hour and 36 minutes later, I got off the phone with him because his current wife had shown up to his shop where he had been avoiding his family and tugging at him to get him to go home, I had to write all this down as soon as possible, surely there are more thoughts that I would like to continue to hammer away and get all the thoughts out of my mind that I can look back at this and just ponder. I’m starting to understand that there is a large extent to the all the things my mom may have done in this world that could be the source of why she is the way she is today. That’s a lot of untangling to do, and as her son, it is only right that I finally start showing up for her the best way that I can. She’s got a lot of healing to do, and I’m uncertain if I can help her get to a spot in her life where she’s not buried in shame, guilt, remorse, and self-pity… But… the best thing I can do for her is do whatever I can to get better myself so I can come from a position that can best help her out.

July 19th 2020

As I sit in a parking lot in the city of Monrovia, a sudden burst of inspiration courses through my spirit. There has been quite a change in the course my life has taken. At first I was very resistant to the change, but as the months go by, this change has very much become a part of me, like a second home. I’ve been immersing myself in various spiritual texts, and speakers to take a better part of my mornings as a new routine, almost like a ritual. There are great benefits that I have not placed into words. My mind is beginning to become more clear as the mornings pass and I continue on this journey inwards and outwards. 

There is this yearning inside of me that makes me want to identify as a writer, and thus the cyclical question comes to surface, how then can I express my thoughts in a way that can move the reader? Then today, I thought, how then can I become a writer, if I don’t just write regardless of what impact I think I can have on the reader? 

And so that burst of inspiration has encapsulated my being, my yearning, and I burn with desire and passion to get a message across, by documenting, journaling my current experience during this new phase in my spiritual and physical journey. 

As I actively engage on improving my relationships to those around me, and that remain part of my life, I bring joy and happiness into my life, because it is one of my priorities, aside from writing something profound enough to engage those who are in a low place in their life in order to seek enlightenment, or even methodology through my own experiences to find a way to improve upon their lives. Why this is embedded into a hidden passion, I believe is because of the perceived hardships that I faced growing into my 33rd year of existence. Though I may still identify with some of these limiting beliefs, they are quickly dissipating, as I put less and less attention on old identities as having gone through these adverse past experiences and traumas, and look forward to the ever changing and progressing future. 

Personal growth I will have to say is the number one priority in everything that follows after, and I wholly resonate with this as I am developing new habits to take foothold of what destructive habits that once used to consume the better part of me. A person that I have crossed paths with posted something on their instagram, and it went something along the lines of “What you practice in private is what you will be rewarded for in public.” 

So this is my story about practicing in private. Though I’m certain that once I’ve grown as a writer with skill, these musings will be structured in a way that it may become very useful for those who choose to embark in the journey of self healing and developing a change in perspective on how they see the world and themselves in the world.

“I think, therefore I am.”

This quote has been coming up in my thought patterns as of late. And it may sound “hippie dippie” as some would say, but I believe in the simplicity and complexity of this little quote. Changing the way we think about ourselves and the world we interact with is very important in my opinion. Because if you perceive the world as a dangerous place full of liars and dishonest people, in a way it begins to manifest into your life! The opposite then is very true as well. The more you operate in a space of trust and see the good in people and continue to focus on all the good qualities the more that will manifest into your reality. Now I’m not saying go find a homeless person, take them into your home and spend all your time nurturing something that could be detrimental to you, because I’ve done that, it has bit me in the behind pretty harshly. This was a mistake, though I’ve learned from that mistake, you simply cannot help those who do not wished to be helped. Instead what my intuition is saying that once you embody all the principles and qualities that make up the things you want to see in the world, you in theory begin to attract the people and situations that will put you in a better position in life to give back to the world, to help those in need.

“I’ll believe it when I see it…”

“Believe, and you’ll begin to see…”

To be frank, this entry, is a bit scattered perhaps, but its source energy working through me as Abraham Hicks would say, there is a deep intellect in the way the universe, source or God will work through us. This may be left up to debate by those who don’t believe it or can still do amazing work without this realization, but I choose to believe that it’s certainly working through me and that it is source energy that’s working through me now that I am able to write this, right here, right now.

thank you universe for the all the opportunities coming my way.

thank you for the running water and roof over my head.

thank you for all the amazing people I’m continuing to meet on a daily basis.

thank you for all the fun new things I learn everyday.

thank you for all the amazing music I find everyday.

thank you for all the beautiful people on this planet making beautiful art in every way.

Spent my first New Years Eve with my little sister and her family ever. Learned how to play mahjong, I actually won a game too!

I’m listening to some really dark dubstep right now. Don’t know why it was just the first thing that popped up in my you tube music app.

Getting ready to go to church and get swooped up by my friend tree. My new used car I just bought is in the shop.

Quiting stogies again today. o.O day one again lol…

this month I’ve decided to lose myself in writing until the end of February. I wonder what great things will manifest itself onto a page, into a notebook, on the notepad app in my phone.

also I learned how to play mahjong. I’m hooked.

also I’m running a competitive guild in a new game that just launched.

also I think I will get into djaying again.

also I’ve been collecting mad songs to spin with.

too many things to do in 2020. but they will get done!

Somehow I feel like I’ve been running from something. Though what that may be, I don’t have any clue. There’s so many distractions out there.

There’s so many stories. Including the ones we tell ourselves. The same reasons or excuses we make to not write that extra 2000 words, to get to dance practice, to make that thing that’s been sitting at the back of your mind since forever the unfinished projects oh the many many unfinished projects. The favorite excuse. The too many things to do just to focus on one single thing.

I sit here smoking yet the same last cigarette I told myself a million times before. New Years resolution I guess. Somehow though hope is still on the horizon. A bit chilly breathing down my back. 2020 here we come.

It’s time for a change. Better than we were yesterday. But still not where we want to be. Or is this exactly where we need to be?

Is it ok to just be?

Alright. Life is beautiful. About to take it back on track. Thank you universe. Thank you God.

…

Day one again. I smoked like 6 cigarettes in the past couple days totaled my car last night.