I don’t do spoken word, I just choose to choke the verbs,
to coax my nerves, when I unfold a verse, that upholds a curse,
As I divulge to curb, this compulsive urge to wake ya with some repulsive words, and refrain from using explosive terms,
Don’t get too close you’ll burn, I’m just trying to postpone your urn.
you see I compose to learn, writin like a titan the way I convulse the earth,
defy gravity with the crescent smile of a pen that controls the surf,
didn’t mean to impose your turf, it wasn’t supposed to hurt,
im just pulling curtains on these boastin turds,
these hypocrites who console their herds,
sayin they fresh like the ocean when they hid the worst, they’re just a giant vacuum duster. Full of dirt.
It All sounds good on the surface, all sounds like a greater purpose,
But underneath its still all about the purchase,
Its all about the paper inside the pockets of these murky merchants,
aint worth their time if you can’t bring a worthy purse in,
shake your hand with a smile, ask ya to stay for a while,
But when your back is turned, quick to diss with slurs,
Gossip bout topics thats toxic, but when the lights are on,
“Fucking A, I’m one with the dalli lama I’m conscious”.
About as conscious, as buddha’s projectile vomit, lets be honest.
snakes don’t give a fuck about a conscience,
I’m a calm kid, give me a pen though and I’m lit as a comet,
aint sugar coatin shit, kinda raucous,
Hypnotize all these hipster vibes with some upliftin rhymes,
Alive when the words contrived are colliding
With writhing kids crying for some guidance,
trying hard to find reliance in the peeps
claiming to be divine and pious, but deep down,
they’re just what defines a liar,
Spreading mass deception thru some vines to confine the minors,
Aligned with diamonds and mansions to consign the buyers,
Malign designs divide the tribe from flying higher than,
These corporate leviathans, conformed to secrets that hide within,
Got these kids romanticizing Vicodin’s, like it’s some fuckin niacin,
Gobbled up like some vitamins, like it’s a requirement, to drive subscribers in and likes so that their desire’s met,
That being social meant drinking Heinekens until retirement,
I just want to spread the word like some nitrogen,
And aspire to inspire them, to acquire sense,
Light the way inside and watch the fire spin,
That passion is the answer to the cancer that’s dividing men,
Forget what will be, and what might have been, but find what ignites your life to take flight again,
Same people same scene same camera same lense,
Y’all need to take a break from fakes and kick the cycle friend.

Blog post. Not really sure what to write about again. Perhaps my most recent experiences? Ive met an amazing human being as of late. Though the more I think about it, I’ve met a lot of amazing humans lately. It starts to become more apparent when one actually pays more attention to the wonderful people who are all around us, to really engage in listening, and exploring what other people are about. So back to this person I was mentioning. For the sake of privacy i’ll just fib a name. Essence, thats a fun name. So I met this person named Essence at an open mic that I went to in Pomona, and I’m really glad that for whatever reason I was able to go talk to him. Because since we’ve connected, we are becoming really good friends. Though friendship is built over time, Essence is actually really wise and intelligent, and really patient and kind, so because he has taught me so many cool things concepts and has brilliant ideas, our conversations are really inspiring and growth inducing.

It really gives me a lot of hope at the same time because I think I’ve been missing this kind of companionship and camaraderie for a while now. It’s really refreshing. It’s strange how life works sometimes, you go through everything that you go through to get to where you’re at now, and the people and experiences that you meet either along the way, or after healing and continuing to pick up your life again is a trippppp.

All a part of the process I guess.
Anyway Im really glad for these experiences because it really makes you appreciate life that much more and not skip out on smaller details in life too. Like waking up with a sense of gratitude that we are still here on planet earth and able to breathe another day, and blessed are you if you have all of your senses still, sight, smell, taste, touch, and of course mobility of all your limbs. Because to be honest how inspiring is Helen Keller she lost so many of her really important senses and still made an impact on society and especially on herself, how intense her tenacity must have been. Whatever your going through if your reading this, it gets better, but nothing is going to come whisk you away from whatever your going through until you decide yourself to lift yourself up, and take every experience that your currently feeling, or have already felt, and grow from it. I read this post before it said: Grow through what you Go through. And that really resonates with me because it took me a long time to realize this. It took a lot of extreme situations to really be thankful for all the people that make this world go round, it took a lot of loneliness to find strength in solitude.

Curiosity though, I will have to say, will be one of the deciding factors on whether you really start to progress in your life or not.
I only have partial wisdom, and I cannot say that I am the most intelligent human, but having gone through extreme circumstances in my emotional and physical states, has definitely allowed me to see things in a different light as I continue to grow. Piquing my curiosity has been one of those catalysts to keep me up and passionate about living life and finding purpose, though its still a puzzle to me I hope that you may find the right path that allows you to find the curiosity that of a child again and proceed to learn about anything in life that will help you grow. Oops I went on a rant again. Is that kinda what a blog is for? Not sure.

I came across something recently that I’d like to explore a bit further starting today. So I’ve been listening to podcasts, and also ted talks that have to do with writing fiction and writing in general, because one has to “pay their dues” or “do their homework” on the craft that they want to pursue or progress in, so during my “research” into the subject or art of writing, I came across a few people who actually said that handwriting develops your brain in more ways than typing the words or thoughts! I mean it’s probably true if more than a few people who are experienced in writing say that right?

I’m not particular fond of handwriting too much only because in a sense its really slow to record all the thoughts I have at one time by hand writing, but it definitely, from my experience, allows a writer more time to articulate what they want to say onto the page. for a while I spent some time in and out of the American prison system, and during one of the more recent stints, (last time imprisoned was around 2016) I spent a lot of time writing, through handwriting. This is where mostly my passion for written words started to stem from. I was never an avid reader, nor was I even remotely interested in writing, but there was literally absolutely nothing to do but read, write, draw, play chess, play cards and work out. or sleep. In there you can sleep a lot. ALOT. lol. and certainly I did a copious amount of that.

But hey I figured it doesn’t hurt to try recording your thoughts through handwriting if it really is going to enhance a person’s cognitive skills. There’s actually more information about that actually, I’ll smack the link in here before I publish this post if ya’ll wanna check it out and see if it checks out for you. Its a 16 minute video, and he starts talking about the benefits of handwriting I think like 5 or 6 minutes in, I don’t remember the exact time, but hey check it out the video is actually very educational and informational. plus this dude’s artwork is insane!

Not entirely sure even what to write about. Just gotta put words on a page though, I feel the drive for that at least, even though no brilliant ideas are coming to my mind. Days like this are kinda weird. Its like you have some time finally from your busy ass day to write and then what happens? You stand there, or sit there or lay there whatever. and just space the F*** out. You lose your train of thought, or whatever the million other excuses are that ya tell yourself. lol. And so I suppose it’s going to be like this for a while. Writing about absolutely nothing. Seeing the words you vomit onto the page and bore yourself and your readers half to death. Good thing I don’t have any readers yet. LOL.

And there’s the good ol option to make the post private. which I’ve done to several posts already because they are literally a pain in the brain to look at. It’s bad enough I’m over here wasting my own time writing garbage, its an entire other thing to waste other people’s time with my own written garbage. lol… but hey to be very honest, if I’m growing steadily as a writer from writing a bunch of garbage then I guess this will how it will have to play out for the time being.

Just thought vomit on everything, on every canvas, use the WordPress as my word punching bag and get into some kind of zone. I was listening to a podcast one time and I think the person was doing an interview on some well established author, and one of the questions I think was “How did you write 70 novels?” and I think the response was “writing 250 shitty words every day”. I resonate with this. The more we practice something the better we get right?

I fall asleep sitting up at this Panera Bread. Probably need to be a little more physically active again. Probably will go take a nap in my car before I need to start my shift in about 50 minutes. I don’t understand why I’m still so tired? Maybe my brain is still bored or something. I mean I had a decent breakfast I think. Mango Smoothie, Vanilla Cinnamon Roll, and tall glass of bolthouse, its like a green machine look alike from naked juice. and I got like 7 hours of sleep last night. Plenty isn’t it? Maybe what I’m doing currently isn’t exciting enough or something.

I was about to take a nap in my car then decided against it. now I’m inside the mall. a bit early because my shift starts in about 10 minutes. I picked up a book for 1$ at an used book store a while ago and the book had just been sitting in the back seat of my car. It’s like my library shelf lol. the back seat. in the space that I’m living now there’s no room for books really. actually theres not much room for anything but a fold up futon. I’m really thankful that I have this futon though. It was a gift from my friend Brandon, and it has offered me many nights of good sleep. no complaints here.

anyway, so I started reading the book and guess what I started falling asleep again. so I put the book down and pulled out my laptop again. Lol. I’ve started a write something every day goal, though I haven’t really exactly mapped out the specifications of these goals, I just know I want to write and write a lot. besides its kind of a hassle to keep count of all the words I write and in what medium. you know what I mean? so I’ll just compose till my brain can’t think anymore. and then when my brain can’t think anymore, I’ll switch to another platform or medium and continue putting words together in this endless expanse of words.

do you guys do word of the day type thingies? also, you know what happens alot to me, is when I’m writing rhymes or poetry, I always think of words that I don’t even know the definition to. You ever do that?

Dust to dust. Never really understood what that saying really ever meant or where it was from. But today begins the death of a habit and the birth of a new one. I will tell myself that the physical changes that I am going to be going through are just part of the process. True growth. I read somewhere before that if you really want to do something and need motivation to stick to it, was to tell a lot of people around you that you see everyday that your gonna do that thing. Go to the gym, quit smoking, start that writing project, quit drinking soda, the list probably can go on for a while.

Everyone these days has something that they wanna kick to the curb and never let back into their home. Lol. I’ve done this before. Made promises to people close to me and then what happened? I broke my promises to myself and the people around me. So what did I do? I avoided all the people I told what I would do, quit smoking go to the gym and you know stupid adult stuff. I would hope that my accountability friend would stop hitting me up. Which he did because he wasn’t following through with what he said he was gonna do either. So we both avoided each other like the plague.

So does it really work? Lol, somewhat I guess. New month, new goals, new new new

Today I say fuck you self doubt. Today I’ll write like a madman. Today starts the copious thought vomit into a word tsunami spilling ink into the worlds shores made of minds.

A friend is into that zodiac stuff, she said this month will be a creative month. I say that this month will be the most creative month that will send the words tumbling into a giant force of momentum that’s going to sling shot me to the moon of inspiration and create a crater of motivation. Fired up.

Picked up a mythology book from the library today. It’s pretty awesome. Didn’t realize how in depth the storytelling goes. I feel like I’m just barely barely barely scratching the surface. Here I am thinking I wrote something pretty good. Impressed myself even, a few times.

Then reality sets in. Here’s my alter ego of self doubt coming to kick me in the teeth, like one of those teachers from grade school standing there, jeering, and sneering, shaking her finger at me with the other arm posted like an L shape on her hip. “You got a long way to go mister.” The other me, the alter ego, passion, is sneaking up from behind to slap a kick me sticker on the disapproving wench’s back. Putting up fingers one by one behind her to three and then does a pantsing motion. Like “get ready to run.” Here’s where those 6 minute miles comes in handy. I guess Acing only PE has its perks. Too bad I don’t think it’ll work in the literary sense.

In the same respects though, it is very very interesting to learn more about the different “great” authors of history even though some of them might have been concocted from someone’s imagination, or more than likely that may have been what it was. Because who do we know from the 1700s let alone bc ac ad tb std tvb mtv, whatever the damn metrics are. I should probably google those at some point. Anyway learning about this, is super fascinating. I found myself totally immersed in the literature and it’s not even that in-depth. Just a surface level book that covers what mythology just looks like and who some of the greats were.

Like Homer, Eudipicus, Aethyclus, Virgil, Oh yeah I’m probably butchering a few of those because who the heck can remember all those names at first glance. Hey fun fact. Word on the Greek Mythologian Streets, is that Gaia slept with her son Uranus (God of the skies) and gave birth to alooooooooot of sons and daughters. So at one point they were poppin goddesses and gods left and right and Uranus got scared. He was afraid that his offspring would ascend too far in power especially when he had some flings and Gaia birthed like 50 giants (or something crazy) namely 12 that Uranus tried to shove back into Gaia’s baby maker. (SHEEESH)

Mama bear wasn’t too happy about that. She started planning Uranus’ death! None of her kids were having it though except for one. Good ol Cronus. Gaia made a scythe out of uh I forgot but that shit was boss. She gave it to Cronus who posted up in their laundry basket (probably was just waiting around the corner somewhere slick) and when Uranus came to bust a loa— ahem I mean make love to the captivating, all powerful, beautiful Goddess of all entrancing goddesses, Cronus came out the cut and sliced his phallus off. Quickly discarding it in the ocean from the heavens. (Fffffffffffff)

Aphrodites actually was birthed from Uranus’ manhood that turned into a white foam. What a trip.

I started a writing project recently. Just exploring more writing, to the point where I can’t stop thinking about writing. eventually the words will just flow from my mind in an endless wave of beautifully constructed words that take your mind along for a ride and then at the end of the paragraph you’ll be hooked like a drug addict, like a love addict, enamored with with every rollercoaster adrenaline pumping sentence injected into your veins. Or whatever. Yep this finding my voice, probably one of the hardest things to do I guess. I was talking to someone and they said that writing is probably one of the hardest crafts to master.

like that there’s so many levels that you could never fully learn how to drop it like its hot. *Shrug* I guess someone could beat themselves to death and never write anything worthwhile if you had those thoughts going through your head. But I don’t think I’ll let that stop me.

The premise for this project is actually just a long ass memo to my the future adult my little sister is gonna grow up into. Iono why this spoke to me but it’s definitely moving my writing hand no doubt. Because of certain situations I’m not able to be very present in my little sisters life. Even though I want to be. The prose isn’t very good yet, but I don’t know if I’m even aiming for that anyway. Its really just a raw explosion of thought vomit. haha. relevant.

Excerpt from “Milquetoast” Chapter 3. Childhood:

“Theres several moments in my childhood that i can remember, i’ll start with kindergarten, i remember the first time i got laughed at (at least that i can remember), was when i went into the boys room to pee in the urinal. I took my pants off all the way with my bare bottom hanging out and my shorts around my ankles to pee, and there were two other students in the bathroom and they both laughed at me. I didn’t know how to pee without taking my pants off all the way down! LOL. Alright and then the other memory was when the kindergarten teacher kissed me on the cheek or something like that and left a lipstick mark on my cheek. ( ACTUALLY, i don’t know if the lipstick part is true, but in my mind it is.) Moving right along… my childhood was kinda boring? I used to think that it was some kind of big thing, trudging up my past and using it as some kind of sympathy envoking tool, usually accompanied by heavy fabricating to enhance the effect by exaggerating certain events to make it sound like i had a rough life growing up. Then as you grow older you realize that your experience that was all you knew at the time is really nothing compared to some of the suffering that is actually happening around the world. It really takes a long time for some to come to this realization, and even though one may be aware, it feels like its still really easy to fall back into that cycle of self pitying and pining for attention. The ME ME ME ME syndrome. Lol. Anyway let me digress. So growing up, I spent a lot of time sitting in front of a television at night time watching Chinese films and series like Journey To The West. Cantonese was my first language and I actually had a tough time learning english during first grade! I wasn’t the type to follow directions from the teacher either. I think it was because the teachers couldn’t hit us, like my traditional asian family did for every little mishap. Little did i know though that the physical abuse actually probably had some negative effects on me growing up? Not sure. MOST LIKELY. lol. The love back in those days were definitely showed in a very different way, a lot less coddling like American culture these days. To be fairly honest, I’m not even sure how affection was shown to the children if any at all? I’m sure there was at some point! It can’t be as bleak as I used to carry on the perspective of early childhood memories, its just the most traumatic and bad experiences stuck at the forefront of everything that was good in the past.”

I used to think that I was a decent writer, but as I began to write more, I realized that I was only a decent writer compared to writers who didn’t articulate better than I did, and to readers who had no idea what “ good” writing was. It blew my mind away when I joined a writing group and read some of the submissions for these competitions they had going on for the month. I wanted to quit, I wanted to literally throw my creative mind in the garbage and crumple it up like a piece of paper when people used to write ideas on that 8inch by 11inch piece of chopped up, processed, bleached tree. And whatever else is part of turning a giant living plant into parchment so that people like us can write utter garbage on, just to tear up into little pieces. Same with the small businesses that don’t offer paperless receipts and continue to purchase tons of paper receipts from wholesalers. I guess there are more redundant things in the world other than wasted paper.