Reset

For the sake of keeping my writing hand busy. 2020 is on the horizon, and this month I’m doing my best to finish the first draft on this writing project I’ve been working on. it’s coming together regardless though.

I was kinda thinking about switching over to Tumblr from WordPress. It seemed to be a bit faster platform for me. But I’m not too sure about that. Gotta do some research on that I guess. I like that the new iOS update included the swipe function on the keyboard it actually makes typing on the phone hella faster and easier.

Is it faster than typing with two hands? Someone told me it’s way faster than typing with pressing individual keys.

Just sitting down to write at this Starbucks in BFE riverside. I just had a strange experience, thought I’d talk about it here. Since I dunno. It feels like I’m talking to someone. Without directly having to reach out to anyone. And making them listen. You know what I mean? And sure no body might even read this, but its the feeling like someone might.

It’s therapeutic in a way. Not that I feel like I absolutely need a sense of therapy at this moment. We writers, tend to just think a lot, but also love to jot all these damn feelings down.

for one reason or another we also want to share all these feelings for whoever in the world even cares.

Anyways. I just had a moment with Charlie. My heater in my car stopped working. So I hit him up and asked him if he could take a look at my car. So he took a look at it, and then he started singing karaoke after o_O. right in the shop. so I hung out for a bit and then listened to him talk about mentoring me to take over his business? It all sounds pretty great experience, and I’d be a fool to turn down 40 years of experience with this business thing. So I sat and took in everything he was telling me.

It all sounds good. But I’m skeptical. I guess it’s ok to be skeptical. He says he wants to teach me a lot of things with his business so he can retire and go enjoy the rest of his life. I don’t really know what I should do. My buddy in San Diego, has also offered me something similar. I think I may go do that. I do really want to build some passive income here so that I can run things on the internet somehow, and just live somewhere overseas. I think it’s probably very doable!

anyway enough ranting. Important part is I guess I’m building a “relationship” sorta, with the person who is the biological reason I exist, and I’m thankful actually that he and my mother fell in love and had me. An unplanned baby. I’m really thankful that they went through whatever hardships they had to go through to bare me, and make sure that I was fed and I’m really thankful that I am alive today.

cool and I got my little sister suri a couple of sketchbooks today, and was able to drop them off :), though I didn’t get to see her today. 😦

yooooo I honestly thought I was on day 8 or 9 still, but I guess I’m on day 11.

putting it on here is a good metric for keeping track LOL.

I just look at my day 6 post and it says I posted it 5 days ago. 😀

cool. I think the cravings are getting lessened? I still get hit with some pretty strong ones, but they are super transient. they last about 10 minutes or so and then disappear.

The universe blessed me today. I can die today and be at peace.

I feel like there’s still much to be done. And I also feel like this next year, tremendous momentum is going to come. And there’s going to be nothing stopping it. It’s just gonna come full force and it’s just gonna keep going.

There are going to be some sleepless nights ahead, but moves are going to be made. And that’s just a gut feeling that I have.

I’m already 30k words into my first draft of my writing project! By the end of December I’m pushing for 70k done. Then I can put it away and do the editing and rewrite maybe a few months later.

ever see someone going through something, some sort of pain, depression, what have you, and think… dang I used to be there, and now I’m in a much better place, and you just want to reach out, to tell them everything you did to find the peace that you have now. well in some cases you can, but in most cases, from my experience, people will be ready for that kind of advice or even just a conversation about that kind of stuff at a later time, once they’ve gone through whatever process they have to, to come to the realization that it all starts with the self. seeking outside influences to change how your feeling is mostly detrimental, unless they’re more positive outlets.

I used to think that I was uninspired, or unmotivated to write. but as soon as you change your perspective, set some goals and just push through, the words will start flowing, the healing will start patching. don’t mean to sound hippy dippy or anything like that, but really believing in yourself is a pretty powerful thing. I used to think my writing is garbage. but then who the fuck cares. theres probably millions of people out there writing just as much garbage as me. And why should we compare ourselves and our process and progress in this life to anyone else’s to be honest?

“one person’s garbage is another person’s treasure…”

it’s probably more important to just relate as much as possible, and if not relate, to try and understand in a curiously healthy way.

could probably go for another hour writing about nothing. Is this a solution though, a cohesive piece, with a beginning middle and end?

does it matter?

cravings still come and go. I’ve noticed that My brain is tricking me to get the same kind of rewards that it gets from nicotine by eating more frequently, especially something sweet. i might actually get fat if I keep snacking like this.

It might be time to look into a gym membership. Lol

Yo I met up with a friend today and did some writing I was pretty excited about it the whole morning, turned out that we did some brainstorming on a side project and it was about the circus. I really like where this is going. I already have a couple of characters in mind that I want to flesh out the backstory to. Hmm this might detract me from my current projects though. Smh

Something about the circus calls to me though. Maybe because I feel like I’d belong in a circus. 🙂

yo I’m sitting at this coffee shop and doing a bit of writing, and a storm literally manifested out of nowhere. like it just started pouring hella hard. anyway funny thing though how it also just made its way into an excerpt, its almost like, it just subconsciously entered my story.

This is an excerpt from my story “Suture” Chapter 18

“…“Oh, this looks like a place of interest!” Tox hung a sharp left into the spot. He opened the door and the dancing bells at the top of the hinge greeted him. Crystals liter every table haphazardly, some tables crammed so full they look like they want to dive off every edge. Tox adjusted his monocle and picked up some nearby rocks and began to observe them a bit closer. 

A storm began to brew outside, rolling thunder interrupted the bustle of the town. Pitter patter began to pelt the windows creating a kind of therapeutic cadence, something about the rain is melancholic but soothing. Tox could see the reflection of the window outside in the crystal that he picked up. Looking closer a ballerina made of raindrops appeared and began a routine, other droplets came crashing down like a million mini aquatic comets forming into watery dancers as they collided with the window pane. Synchronizing perfectly. Tox went into his memory banks and thought of a fond memory he had with Penelope. 

Ah yes, where we were, was right in front of our newly built cabin, we spent many days together during that time planning and building, just the two of us. We finally finished building the cabin and was standing out front of the place admiring our finished work. She fell into my arms and laid her head on my left shoulder. It started raining, light at first. The drizzle grazing our skin, dampening the earth around us as the soil and its heightened aroma held our noses attention. Fiddling around with magic I summoned an earth umbrella out of hardened dirt to shield us from the rain. That’s when she suggested that we just embrace the rain, so I let the earthen umbrella dismantle itself and joined Penelope as she began to twirl around in circles. The rain fell at an urgent pace now racing their brothers and sisters to the ground and everything else around us. She wore a purple and grey sundress, and as she twirled away her dress came open like a ____ she slipped and I summoned a mud chair to catch her fall, but she purposely missed the chair and fell into the mud. She motioned me over to join her and she whipped out her flute and began playing a melancholic tune. A tune that she played often. It always had a hypnotic quality to it, sporadically inspiration would flow into my ideas when she’d be tending her garden outside and felt inclined to play that tune...”

eh it needs a bit of editing probably but I just found it interesting how the rain in real life transmuted itself into the story currently. lol.

For one reason or another, there’s been a shift in my vibe. I haven’t pinpointed the exact catalysts for this shift, though it definitely has to do with all the different interactions I’ve been having lately, also the subtle changes in routine that have been arising. Ever have this feeling of just imposter syndrome? Where you just don’t think you’re good enough at something? I’ve reached a breakthrough finally with all the different people I’ve met and shared my art with, encouraging me and acknowledging me. Now it’s just time to do the work. To blood sweat and tears, to chisel away at this enormous block of letters, and pound those keys day in day out.

at some point in time, I thought, man, I haven’t got enough direction, I’m not creating enough, I’m not focused, then I’d have people around me, tell me the same thing. So, maybe it started to become true because that’s what I started to believe. Then someone once told me too, not to take advice from those who haven’t even walked the path. Then as I began to have more interactions and just thanking and appreciating the poets and writers around me, the words they shared with me bolstered me up. Made me feel accepted as a budding writer. Now I’m not so afraid or fearful that my writing is garbage. And even if it was or is garbage, who cares, we’re progressing forward swimming in trashed words! one person’s trash is another person’s treasure! fuck it!

So recently I got ghosted by someone I was really starting to connect with, and it was a pretty huge blow, I took it pretty seriously for like two weeks. I kind of wished I didn’t open up so much and just kept the budding friendship on a more basic, surface level.

But maybe it wasn’t meant to be. By then maybe it was meant to be, maybe it was supposed to be just a transient experience to wake both parties up, to teach a lesson. I saw some toxicity in my behavior that I really had to re-evaluate, and looked deep into myself to understand that I may have been a bit too reactive in our exchange of words, and I probably didn’t think about what I was truly saying or meaning to say and became sucked back into a primal state of being.

Pulling oneself out of a giant crater dug over time is a bit of a process.