Is it ok to just let the muse wander? I don’t think it matters I guess. Eventually it might. But at this stage in my writing I think it’s probably more important to just get those nagging thoughts out into spilled ink. Instead of marinating there in the mind like a rampant child throwing a tantrum breaking everything inside my brain. That wild child that knows only disruptive behaviors. That inner child who’s wishy washy. This lady said that to me once. “Your being wishy washy.” This really hurt. Why? Because she was fucking right. It always hurts the most when you know that it’s right. It set me straight though. I’m still wishy washy af, because I don’t think I’m used to sharing feelings and all that mess of hogwash. Because who the heck shares their feelings.
Born with a stamp between my legs meant growing up in the 2000’s as a male with suppressed feminine energies. Testosterone was supposed to be the hottest trend. O_o. Now in 2019 they’re saying it’s ok to feel. Cry your eyes out. Its perfectly normal to have feelings if you’re a man. The fuck. I’m already programmed like a fucking robot on steroids from Terminator ready to destroy everything in sight thats soft and snuggly. (at least thats the mindset, I’m don’t look anything like a robot on steroids.) How the heck am I supposed to deprogram myself? Like normal shit that moves people to tears, I feel tears welling up in my heart, but nothing shows on the surface. I carry myself differently than how I feel a lot of the times. Or should I say project. I’m learning to listen to people more now, to really understand where they are coming from. What they’re struggles entail, what their experiences were like. I found myself in the past comparing it a lot to my own struggles and then the Ego inside of me saying, “pffft bro you trippin you aint seen shit yet, what the fuck you complaining about?” To, really understanding that, yo. Not everyone going through the same things. What they perceive as trouble or obstacles may not be the same as what you have gone through. Everyone’s obstacles are different. To be honest, theres some people who’s gone through some way more messed up stuff than what I’ve gone through. So it’s pretty important to understand that and to listen emphatically to whats going on in the conversations, coming to find out.
It brings me back to the this saying once I think it went like, “we all playing the same game with the same devils, just different pains and on different levels.” Something like that I think. Deng I gotta find the quote again.
lyrical disaster 